A NETFLIX SERIES

All clear! Time for our annual secret revising of the Constitution.

Don't forget the amendment about moving the Capitol to Cleveland.

There's no decent pierogies here.

[sighs]

How would the Founding Fathers feel about this?

[Myc] Probably the same way your father feels about you.

-Hey! -Who cares? Ten of them were slaveholders.

And George Washington was actually just a bunch of gerbils under a waistcoat.

[grunts] That's President Pile of Gerbils to you.

Andre, what's our timeframe?

Twenty minutes. I used a cocktail of NyQuil and cat Prozac.

[Myc] Oh, great. Dr. Literal Dolittle has it covered.

Shut up, Myc.

Just ignore him. Okay, give the word and I'll blow the hell out of this thing.

[Myc] Said your ex-wife to Brett's dick.

I'll kill you!

Will you can the insults, Myc?

I need you to contort that squishy-ass body through those lasers

before you screw up this mission for us.

[Myc] I thought failing was kind of more your thing.

Aliens? A woman in charge of a team?

No one will believe this!

Myc, quick! Spurt on that guy!

[Myc] I'm not a soft serve machine. I need to warm up.

Hold on. Just give me a sec here, all right?

-Hey, nobody look at me! -Goddamn it!

[PA system] Security breach.

Now the mission is fucked!

You useless waste of space!

Your shit attitude blew our mission!

We had to disappear that security guard!

And now I have to raise his tropical fish.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't fire you.

[Myc] I… I…

Oh God! [sobs]

Okay. I was not ready for that.

Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's wrong?

I'm from a million-year-old mushroom hive cluster

who live in the center of Earth.

Those stuck-up, under-crust douchebags live in perfect harmony

and kicked me out because I'm too much of a rebel.

You told me you left because everybody was jealous of your "huge dong."

[Myc] All lies! My dong is average.

Average!

So you're acting up because of your reunion?

[Myc] How can I go back?

When I left, I wanted to prove I could be somebody,

but I'm a single, middle-aged loser

playing second fiddle to a bunch of Men in Black rejects.

Why don't you just lie?

My hometown thinks I created Grey's Anatomy.

[Myc] I'll still be single.

In hive culture, you are nothing without a cluster.

Ooh, ooh, Brett idea incoming!

We go to your reunion with you and pose as your cluster!

[all groan]

Also, what is a cluster?

It's some kind of freaky mushroom mind marriage.

It's a psychic union, where everyone thinks the same and acts the same,

like fucking Marvel fans.

One sec, Myc. I don't want to do this any more than you do,

but with Myc in this state, we'll never be able to complete our missions.

Look at him! He can't make Mind Eraser Juice like this.

And we can stop at Cracker Barrel on the way home.

Now I can get down with some Cracker Barrel.

Okay, Myc, we'll pretend to be your cluster

if you promise to never insult us again.

[all gasp]

[Myc] My insults are my art!

But I can't let those shitheads in my hive see me like this.

[suspenseful music plays]

Okay, deal.

[chuckles] Thank you, Reagan!

Fuck! What are you excreting?

[Myc] Sorta mucus, sorta jizz.

I call it "jucus."

Group hug! Who wants to touch my jucus?

Ugh!

-I'm already regretting this. -Yay!

[upbeat music plays]

Gear up. It's a six-mile spelunk down to Myc's hive.

[Myc sighs] 5,000 years and I still don't have a thing to wear.

You're normally naked.

I need the team back here for a priority code red.

Someone took a shit on my desk!

-Bleugh. -I think we have a spy.

Why would a spy shit on your desk?

[Rand] I don't know. Psychological warfare?

They're out to get me, Reagan! Someone hates that I'm in charge.

Everyone hates that you're in charge, but you're still being paranoid.

Paranoid?

Do you have any idea how many enemies I've made?

They're everywhere, watching.

We're in Oregon right now.

So unless you can teleport us there, you're on your own.

I would, but the teleporter keeps blinking twelve o'clock,

and I can't figure out which remote fixes that.

Ah, shit! I'll show them who's paranoid.

I'll catch the mystery shitter and then we'll see who's right

about getting a sniper team to cover the sniper team. Hm.

But then who will snipe the sniper snipers?

Sniper sniper snipers?

Brilliant!

You're fired for eavesdropping.

[Myc] We're almost to my hive school. Remember the story.

We are your loyal cluster.

[Myc] Cluster harem. Say harem.

[all] Harem.

And you're a respected leftist podcast host?

[Myc] That's right. I won the Nobel Prize for podcasting.

Suck it, Roman Mars! [laughs]

I don't even think he's from Mars.

[mystical music plays]

Myc Cellium.

[mushroom] Welcome, brother.

[Myc] Do me a favor. My cluster is kinda human.

Could we slap a psychic metaphor over this place

so we don't break their tiny brains?

-What did I say about insults? -[Myc] Jesus! It's not an insult.

There's visual information down here

that will literally drive you insane, you fucking… friend! [chuckles]

[mushroom] Glamour in the form of a human high school reunion.

[mushroom hive] As you wish!

Ooh, add Romy and Michele.

[mushroom sighs]

Uh, Lisa Kudrow? Absolutely would.

[Myc] Thanks, Chief.

What are you so happy about?

We're in a fucking slime cave!

This is the cave where all the world's magic mushrooms originally come from!

Well, keep that dope away from me.

I've been mushroom-free my entire life.

You've never tried mushrooms?

Hell no! I'm a law-abiding American.

I only take caffeine, alcohol, nicotine,

and the occasional Oxyfentanyl blend to help me sleep.

[sighs] Glenn, I think you have clinical repression.

Say what now?

I used to be like you.

Look at this guy. I didn't get laid until I was 23.

I just prayed and watched Star Trek: Voyager for nine hours a day.

Mushrooms helped me break free.

Life is so much better when you open up to new things.

Didn't you read Green Eggs and Ham?

I read the cover and decided not to try it because I didn't like it.

At least have a drink with me.

Hm. All right.

[ominous music plays]

[Myc] How's my breath? I need to be in peak form in case I run into…

[gasps] …Stem-mantha.

[magical music plays]

[Myc] She's the one that got away.

Into a sulfur geyser.

[laughs]

Oh, Stem-mantha, look at us,

drawn to each other like magnets.

[Stem-mantha] Wait, were you the one who came over and did puzzles with my parents

so I could go have sex?

[Myc] Uh… [chuckles] Well, I--

-[mushroom] Go long! -[Myc grunts]

[football mushroom] Myc Cellium?

I haven't seen him since he ran out of graduation

before we all merged our consciousnesses.

[mushroom hive] Merged our consciousness.

[Stem-mantha] For once, you're not alone. I assume these are your parole officers?

Nope. We're his cluster.

We are so in sync, it's crazy.

-Weird as hell. -Awesome!

[Myc] She means non-stop erotic.

-[mushroom 1] Merged with humans? -[mushroom 2] Is that Myc Cellium?

That's right. I, Myc, the guy you all said has no friends,

now has a loyal cluster of kick-ass human wives.

Also, he's Facebook friends with Judd Apatow.

And he invented electricity.

[mushroom hive] Oh, wow!

[Myc] Quick! Assemble into a human throne.

Hey, we had a deal.

[Myc] It's all part of the act. Love ya. Appreciate ya.

Right, my little sex monkeys? [chuckles]

[humans groan]

[Stem-mantha] Wow, it might just be the dim cave lighting,

but you've had a serious glow-up.

-[Myc laughs] -[mushroom hive] Ooh, wow.

[suspenseful music plays]

-Which one of you did it? -Did what?

Don't act like you don't know.

Okay, okay! I've been stealing lamps from the office.

I have a problem!

No one gives a shit about your lamp addiction, Mothman.

I want to know which one of you spies shit on my desk!

[laughter]

-What is he talking about? -You're going full Nixon.

Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

-You are fired! -[Mothman] What?

You can't fire Mothman!

Addiction is a disease.

It's time we had a discourse about neurotypical ableism!

I don't understand your old-timey lingo, Grandpa! You're fired!

[Grassy Noel] We'll take this to HR!

You're all fired!

Except you, DupliKate, you've been crushing it lately.

[sniffs]

[gasps] How? I was facing the door the whole time!

Unless…

[suspenseful music plays]

[gasps] The shit's coming from inside the house?

[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc!

[Myc] Yes! Yearbook signatures!

Anybody else notice everything started glowing a little bit?

-Why can I taste my own teeth? -[groans]

let's all take a moment to reminisce

and give a grand welcome home to Myc Cellium.

[Myc gasps] Me?

[teacher] Young Myc had a hard time fitting in.

[Myc] Goku goes Super Saiyan

in the 21st episode of the Frieza Saga of Dragon Ball Z. [grunts]

Hey, you're being a real fucking Frieza right now.

[teacher] His strong psychic powers made him extra sensitive.

[Myc] I know I'm weird,

but even when they act nice, I can hear what they're really thinking.

Does anybody actually like me?

[teacher] Well, I care about you, Myc.

[Myc sighs]

[Myc] You think I'm a loser and you're picturing your wife naked right now.

[teacher] At graduation, Myc was the only one who refused to merge with our hive

but seeing you with your subservient human cluster,

[Myc] Social validation! Fuck yeah!

Crawl me to stage!

[all groan]

[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc!

[loud smooch]

[Myc] Oh, man. This is heavy.

Good thing I have my human cluster here to carry it home.

They're used to taking all my big loads.

-[laughter] -[mushroom] New class clown right here!

-[Myc] Hey, Loud One! Come here. -[Reagan growls]

[Myc] Put this somewhere safe for me. This one's a little clumsy.

She's got a bit of a "glug glug" problem if you know what I mean.

[mushroom hive laughing]

You know what? Hold your own goddamn award.

-[Myc] What are you doing? -We help you and this is how you repay us?

[Myc] Not now!

[laughs] She's just testy because it took her ten years to get her dream job

and four hours to literally tank it with sharks.

That's it! Myc has been lying this whole time.

We are not his cluster! We're not even his friends.

He works for us at the shadow government where we only tolerate him

because we need his psychic goo.

And we have never willingly hung out with him after work!

-[mushroom hive gasps] -[Myc] She's kidding, folks.

-Oh, I'm not kidding! -[mushroom hive gasps]

[Myc] Just one of our freaky sex games. They love to please Daddy. [chuckles]

No, we don't.

[Myc] Yes, you do!

No, we don't! [grunts]

[Myc grunts]

[Myc yells]

[all gasp]

[squelching]

[Myc, monotonously] I'm sorry, Reagan.

You were right to punch me off stage.

Will you accept my heartfelt apology?

W-What has gotten into you, Myc?

[Myc] Oh, I'm not Myc. I'm the hive.

[gasping]

Oh my God. I just accidentally assimilated Myc?

[Myc] We merged!

[mushroom hive] Hive to the left! Hive to the right!

Eh, I feel so at ease, soldier.

Probably because the margarita I gave you was spiked with magic mushrooms!

Welcome to the new you, baby!

You drugged me?

I would kill you if death wasn't just a continuum of life!

Wait, what?

Get ready to drop napalm on your preconceived notions! [laughs]

I'm not a hippie!

It's medically impossible for me to flash a peace sign.

[Brett] Okay. How about this?

The Entourage movie should be in the Criterion Collection.

[Myc] I agree.

What's going on? Why isn't he verbally abusing me?

When Myc got tangled up with the other mushrooms,

he must have psychically re-communed with the hive mind.

He got accepted by the hive and we got a nicer Myc.

I'm calling this a win-win.

Hell yeah. I have to spend years brainwashing people

and you just did it in ten seconds.

[Myc] I was thinking I can make you all a little thank-you dinner

at my town house tonight.

We can watch old episodes of Sex and the City,

like a bunch of gal pals.

[Brett squeals]

Well, normally I would say, "What type of pepper spray do you prefer?"

But to the new, improved Myc, the pepper spray stays in my purse.

[Rand] All right, got my rearview mirror,

rattling cans, so no one can sneak up on me,

and my lie detector.

Time for Operation Sane!

We'll see who's paranoid now.

Here, shitty shitty kitty.

[Carrie Bradshaw] Meanwhile, uptown, I was having sex in the city.

[all] Oh!

[Myc] This show is so smart. I'm such a Samantha, don't you think?

Mainly because all my orifices are interchangeable.

[laughter]

[Myc] Cheers.

Normally, I'd pour this into a plant to see if it dies,

but you're being weirdly tolerable right now.

Too bad Glenn and Andre couldn't make it.

Wait, did they come home with us?

Who cares? More cosmos for Gigi, and less glowsticks and fish odor.

[Myc] I'm sure wherever they are, they're safe.

This is a safe place.

America isn't real. America isn't real!

Dude, that's crazy open-minded.

Do you want to touch feet to feet?

What kind of crazy jagoff would I have to be to not do that?

Whoa!

Oh, you were right, Andre.

I'm one with all living creatures,

even liberals!

We should be writing all of this down.

Look, a whole wall just for drawing on!

[both laugh]

[laughter slows down]

Glenn, your inner beauty is astonishing!

I'm having a vision too. And it's in British!

[Attenborough] I'm David Attenborough, and you are tripping balls.

The mushroom hive is a species of psychic fungoides

that came to Earth on an asteroid millions of years ago.

The mushrooms flourished,

but then an early ape devoured one

and the mushroom's psychoactive properties unlocked its higher consciousness.

Now evolved, these stoned apes became Earth's dominant species

and the mushroom's dominant predator.

[in unison] My God. Everyone's college roommate was right!

[David Attenborough] The mushrooms were forced underground, resentful,

and dreaming of one day rising up to overthrow humanity.

Wait, what was that last part?

We don't exist in peace and harmony.

We're at war with underground mushrooms!

I should have trusted my gut!

Ooh, my gut. I've been infiltrated!

We gotta warn the team!

Quick! I need to puke this out!

Me first! [both retch]

[Myc laughs]

This is so nice.

I know you and I haven't always gotten along,

but it all worked out in the end.

[Carrie] It all worked out in the end, but I couldn't help wondering

what if this was all a hallucination?

Reagan, you need to wake up.

[distorted] Wake up, Reagan!

Huh?

Wait a minute. How did we get back from Oregon?

Oh, God. What is happening?

[Carrie, in normal voice] Fight it. Fight like a pair of Manolos just went on sale!

Brett, what are you doing?

Myc has a climbing wall in his kitchen!

It's too good to be true!

Exactly. We're not in Myc's tastefully-decorated town house.

We're still in the mushroom hive!

-Gigi, Brett! -[all groan]

Oh, goddamn it! I knew it!

There's no way Myc's bookshelf would have the complete works of bell hooks.

[hive voice] Do not be alarmed. We put you in a shared fantasy

to make the sporing process more painless.

[Myc] Hey, girl, another cosmo?

Myc! How could you?

And just when I got my adult acne under control!

[Myc] But now the team can be in perfect harmony, just like you wanted.

[hive voice] Myc's attached us to your minds.

We will learn all humanity's weaknesses

and then we will achieve our destiny.

Overthrowing the Earth!

[humans gasp]

[Myc] Oh, Reagan, don't be such a Miranda about it.

[Reagan yells]

[sniffs]

[electricity buzzing]

Roach caviar, rat tartar, boiled Gucci loafer soup?

-No, it can't be! -[cans rattle]

[man] Hello, Rand.

-Agh! -J.R. Scheimpough!

Of course!

Now who's a paranoid lunatic?

-Both of us. We both look fucking nuts. -Wasn't gonna say anything unless you did.

[Glenn groans]

We have to get the hell outta Dodge!

The hive is gonna take over Earth by implanting mushrooms in our brains

and I guess you figured that out without drugs.

We gotta save Brett's face.

-He's too old to develop a sense of humor. -[Brett yelps]

All I wanted was for Myc to be nice.

Yeah, he went from being a fun asshole

to a crazy, religious, totalitarian, like Kanye.

I miss the old Myc. He roasted us out of love.

And out of hate.

What I'd give to be roasted one last time.

Wait, that's it. A roast!

I think I know how to get Myc back.

J.R., what the hell are you doing here?

-I don't think we should tell him, Polly. -Polly?

[J.R. in falsetto] Yes, keep your secrets, J.R.

Jesus Christ.

After I escaped Bohemian Grove,

I made my way to my mansion in Georgetown, but the Robes had it torn down!

I was erased!

Good God!

I knew the Robes would have eyes everywhere,

but if you got drunk with power,

you'd rip out all their surveillance devices at Cognito.

And if they can't see you--

They can't see you either.

Damn, and they call me paranoid!

You'd be crazy not to be paranoid in a place like this.

Everyone is out to get you.

Oh, fucking thank you.

Wait, shut the hell up.

I'm only here because you've been shitting on my desk.

I've only been shitting on your desk

because you people took everything from me!

Fuck you, fuckface!

[insect scuttles and squeaks]

Wait, did you hear something?

[scuttling and squeaking]

[Rand] Son of a bitch.

A hidden surveillance device.

[Myc] Who wants some fucking dirt to eat?

I'm still being nice. I like dirt.

Myc, we need the old you back.

The raging asshole that I know is in there somewhere,

and I know how to find him.

Prepare to be roasted!

[Myc] I'm confused.

Not as confused as the audience at your poetry night.

It's strange that you can read minds, but you've never read a single room.

[laughter]

[Myc] You weren't at my poetry night.

For real though, me and Myc had some good times.

Like when I blocked your phone number and went home and took my shoes off.

[laughter]

[Myc] You think if you insult me it will bring out the old Myc.

Well, it's not happening.

I once caught Myc in the break room,

jacking off to the photo on a box of frozen mushroom calzones.

Thank you. That is my time.

[Myc] I was reading the nutritional facts!

Myc, you don't have a shred of moral character

and I hate the way you smell, look, and generally exist!

When does the roast start?

[Myc] Stop it, stop it! Oh, God!

But seriously, I love having Myc around as our wacky alien sidekick.

You know, he's basically our group's--

[Myc] Don't say it!

Finish him, Brett!

…Jar Jar Binks.

[laughter]

[Myc] Oh yeah, Brett?

The last time I saw a white guy that generic, he was on a Don't Walk sign.

And you think I'm ugly, Glenn?

Your face looks like a neural network combined a hundred images of testicles.

And, Andre, here's an opinion on your personality.

You can't medicate boring!

And Gigi!

You're still hot.

As for you, Reagan!

Yeah, what about me, Myc? Ruin me!

[Myc] Even God himself couldn't ruin you more!

Old Myc is back, bitches!

Fuck you. And fuck you.

And fuck all of you fuckers!

[mushroom hive gasp]

[hive voice] But, Myc, you can have eternal companionship in the hive.

Why would you choose to leave with a team you hate?

[Myc] Because I don't hate my team.

And unlike you, they don't think I need to change.

You're a bunch of stuck-up dicks who peaked in hive school,

and the only interesting thing that will ever happen to you was meeting me!

I'm done trying to be like you.

It's time for you to get a load of me!

What is happening?

[Myc strains]

[mushroom 1] What you looking at?

[mushroom 2] I don't know. Did Jackson Pollock ever paint with vomit?

[Stem-mantha] You all just see me as an object!

Well, suck my stem, assholes!

I have a degree in communications!

Myc, instead of the hive taking over your personality,

you took over theirs,

and now they fucking suck!

Sorry, that came out wrong.

You don't actually suck. You're an acquired taste.

[Myc] Don't worry. I'm picking up what your feeble brain is laying down.

[Reagan chuckles]

Jesus, I guess the hive is gone forever.

[Myc] Nah, I got my hive right here.

[laughs] I've got hives from being here!

[all] Eurgh!

The Robes have bugs disguised as actual bugs.

Have to admit, if not for your revenge shits,

I never would've found the real spies. Drink?

Brandy not made of my own urine? How can I say no?

How would you like a job debugging this place?

And in return, I won't turn you in to the Robes.

Yes. I'm thinking co-CEO, full salary, private jet.

How about unpaid intern and I get to call you "Spanky"?

Deal!

Andre, I'm sorry for judging your commie, hippie, junkie, pinko, pansexual,

ambiguously ethnic lifestyle.

No, Glenn. Almost dying with you in a mushroom hole made me realize

I was the one judging you.

Also, sorry for drugging you.

After what we experienced, I'm proud to not feel my face when I'm with you.

And I'm proud to call you a… client?

You take traveler's checks?

-There you go. -[Myc] Thanks for doing this, guys.

We're happy to have you back.

[Myc] Me too. Ever since you helped me break from the hive,

I'm really ready to embrace the new me.

Oh, Gigi's proud of you, honey.

[Myc] Hello. Welcome to Fresh Dirt.

My guests this week are genius robotics expert Reagan Ridley

and master media manipulator Gigi Thompson. Welcome.

-Hi there. -Pleasure to be here.

[Myc] My first question is this, you guys ever make out?

Excuse me?

[Myc] After work, you have a few too many Mich Ultras,

a hand ends up on somebody's thigh.

-That took all of, what, five seconds? -[Gigi] I'm out.

[Myc] Get used to it, baby! It's called journalism!

Fresh Dirt is brought to you by Blue Apron.

Do you only care about the environment if it's super convenient?

[tranquil music plays]

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